[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
You Might Also Like
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza