robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.
Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.
Britney: My loneliness is killing me.
Good cop: But did you kill him?
Britney: And I, I must confess.
Good cop: Here we go
Britney: I still believe
Bad cop: Jesus Christ
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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.