@LittleMissAngr1

[Interrogation]

Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.

Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.

Britney: My loneliness is killing me.

Good cop: But did you kill him?

Britney: And I, I must confess.

Good cop: Here we go

Britney: I still believe

Bad cop: Jesus Christ

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@LMaretta

6, that’s SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

@Kids_kubed

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

@Rollinintheseat

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

@Jake_Vig

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.

@Ristolable

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

@mommajessiec

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

@AimeeHelene1

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

@drayzze

I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.