Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.

Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.

Britney: My loneliness is killing me.

Good cop: But did you kill him?

Britney: And I, I must confess.

Good cop: Here we go

Britney: I still believe

Bad cop: Jesus Christ

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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come


You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask


I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.



What if you could clap with your feet?


me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met


me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape


Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)


ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again


PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)


*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*


*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*


Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away