[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.