[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.