@daemonic3

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

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@HarryRamble

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

@bromanconsul

a car just rolled by blasting the “Duck Tales” theme song so now I’m chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend

@TheAlexNevil

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

@jakehightower34

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

@JediGigi

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

@KenJennings

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

@Zombieionism

Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.

@deedles420

I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’

@squirrel74wkgn

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.