@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

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@stevevsninjas

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

@jonnysun

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

@PFPTMillsy

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

@LauraFred

You know what’s fucked? As people keep going out and acting like covid isn’t a big deal, my nurse friends and I (in our 20s) are contemplating whether it’s time to get our wills drawn up. Because we know not all of us will make it. Hope you had fun at the beach, Karen.

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@frankzulla

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

@tastefactory

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

@shkeeber

Any question is a hard hitting question when it’s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.

@onelongbender

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?

@Marlebean

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*