“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He’d be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you’ll have the element of surprise.
Me: alright early to bed
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach