@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

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@chuuew

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

@TheresaDejaVue

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

@markleggett

Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He’d be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you’ll have the element of surprise.

@david8hughes

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach