@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

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@daemonic3

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

@impaulmccoy

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

@sips_whiskey

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

@Michael1979

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

@LoriLuvsShoes

A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair

@mattgallo123

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

@Robski_Boy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

@MoneypennyNaked

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

@Smug_Lemur

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.