ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.