*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.