Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
You Might Also Like
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Adam Driver Adam Walker