My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
You Might Also Like
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98