[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

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*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet


You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.


Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.


At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick


Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.


Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.


[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’


{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.