@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

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@Matt_The_1st

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

@papasuncle

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

@genepompa

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

@_Enanem_

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

@Schmoodles

Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. πŸ™

@punmagnate

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

@FilthyRichmond

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@Kryzazy

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.