[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

You Might Also Like


Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”


Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing


Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up


I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.


Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. πŸ™


Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss


I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.


Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.