@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

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@TheAlexNevil

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@rankin_jake

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

@UnFitz

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

@Home_Halfway

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.