@briangaar
@Matt_The_1st
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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@Matt_The_1st
@papasuncle
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
@genepompa
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
@_Enanem_
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
@JimmerThatisAll
Itβs the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesnβt exist.
@Schmoodles
Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. π
@punmagnate
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
@FilthyRichmond
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.
@Kryzazy
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
@chairkeyre
Adam Driver Adam Walker
