As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…