[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
she has a point
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again