[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Worlds greatest photobomb