*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Real House Wines.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.