Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
You Might Also Like
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
fixed it
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”