[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.