Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.


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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?


Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not


I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.


Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!


Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.


[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh


Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick


Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.


If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows


Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.