[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Best spot.. 😅
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.