[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.


I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.


I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.


Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me
Me: that’s really sweet
Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse


My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, Iโ€™ll search my apps.


If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.


Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.


BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.


INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control


According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.