I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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I like having conversations on elevators because you know there’s a time limit.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me
Me: that’s really sweet
Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.