[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

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[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”


Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.


I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.


SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities

ME: Ok wow I’m right here


Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.


Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.


i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”


The developers of Apple Maps first big mistake was not calling it Mapples.