Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this