[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Holy shit he’s back
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.