If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.
There is wisdom there.
Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???
Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”
I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one