@PleaseBeGneiss

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

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@rysox80

Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.

@WeissBrandon

Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.

@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???

@KenJennings

Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”

@brittwastaken

I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@samstein

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

@envydatropic

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one