[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time


[Spelling Bee]
Your word is palindrome

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Go hang a salami I’m a lasagna hog.


[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]


“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?


Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”


“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
And a medium?
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager


Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article


Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.


Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes