[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I don’t make the rules sorry