@cwhudson

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

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@bonehugsnirony

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

@PastorBate

[Spelling Bee]
Your word is palindrome

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Go hang a salami I’m a lasagna hog.

@iamspacegirl

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@DanMentos

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article

@whatyawant3

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

@DaaNoggs

Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes