[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.