[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
WWE is French for “yes”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”