(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
You Might Also Like
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
You can’t outrun your problems…
*names my little horse OneTrick*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
calling in to work dehydrated
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.