(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If you know, you know
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Succinctly put.