Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
You Might Also Like
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say