interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
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All set.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home