[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.