Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact


Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

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[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?


STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous


It would probably be cool to hang out with a witch because you could bake just the biggest cake in her child sized oven.


Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.


[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-



What the heck?

A 3G board?


When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.


I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking


I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.


SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.