Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
new career option?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED