The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person
ME: “Trick or bear?”
ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
“Why are the good ones always taken?”
– Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Women treat me like God.
They only talk to me when they need something.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am