@TweetsByKaylee

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

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The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

@CourtneyBale

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Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

@McNarstle

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

@fart

what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person

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ME: “Trick or bear?”
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ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
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@littlelady899

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– Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray

@canadasandra

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

@HairyJew4Life

Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.

@Mom_Overboard

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

@astralbr4t

the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am