interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”