Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.