Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
They’re on their honeymoon
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
No. He’s not coming out to play
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both