@panmidwest

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

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@FatherWithTwins

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

@RiIeyJokess

“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

@trevso_electric

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

@shutupmikeginn

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@HiddleDeeDee

If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.

@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*