[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.


Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.


“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?


Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.


I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.


SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.


If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.


[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*