[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
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The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Great game to play with friends
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.