[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
ready to be harvested
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on