[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way