[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.