[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.