[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
You Might Also Like
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Schrödinger’s cookie
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.