[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
gentlemen, hear me out
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.