[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
You Might Also Like
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what