Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
B: Welcome aboard
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.