@huntigula

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

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@ShesARealGenius

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

@InternetHippo

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

@ArfMeasures

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

@TheReal_AndyMac

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

@yoyoha

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

@AnkCoupleTO

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

@LeonEarlgrey

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

@caitieekk

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

@AndrewNadeau0

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.