[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
You Might Also Like
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.