Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I have many caverns
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.