[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?