As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.
“Can you hold scissors?”
“Welcome to SuperCuts”
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!
-wives, on their period
Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
40 pizzas in 30 days doesn’t sound so crazy anymore does it
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?