When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes