@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.

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@bencjenkins

Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.

@ddsmidt

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

@tweetsvisual

*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)

@iGreenGod

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

@RodLacroix

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

@Ilovelamp1979

One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

@Thynebear

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

@portmanteauface

Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons

@ColdPetRat

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076