Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
WHY?!
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*