“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.

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Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.


As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.


*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)


Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.


Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.


One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.


“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know


Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons


launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076