can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Yup.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’